My Funeral

Sometime back, a friend shared a story related to funerals. Apparently, an acquaintance of this friend could see the deceased every time he attends a funeral and according to him, most of the deceased look sad and devastated to be leaving this world while some are totally confused; wondering what is happening or rather, still grasping with the fact that they have moved on to a “different world”.

While this story does sound eerie and creepy, I could not help but to wonder what state I would be in if I were attending my own funeral. Would I be desolate? Would I be in denial? Would I be afraid? As I allowed my thoughts to ponder further, I figured that if it were true that we will be present at our own funeral, I would want to be having a good time and take it as an opportunity to celebrate life instead of being gloomy and feeling doomed.

In my Ten Commandments which summarizes how I operate as an individual, one of my key beliefs on how life should be lived was to “live every day as if it was the last” and I consciously remind myself of this by asking the question “what if tomorrow never comes?” With that, it comes as no surprise when people who know me well enough at times call me an “insane extremist” – pushing a bit too hard when I could perhaps take it easier; wanting to go too fast when I could perhaps slow down the pace; talking too much when I could perhaps just keep quiet for once. I could go on and on sharing more examples of how I live to the extreme but, I will just label the other extremes as “so on and so forth” for now to save the individuals reading this from boredom.

Back to the topic of funerals, my take on those who are gloomy while attending their own funeral are individuals who have not really done enough while still alive. As a result of which, these individuals are probably regretting and hoping that they had one additional hour or one additional day to at least complete some of the many things that they have chose to procrastinate or set aside for the time being. In my mind, the saddest way to bid farewell is to know that there are unfinished business and what’s even sadder is to know that it could have been accomplished a long time back if only we did take the initiative to. Hence, we can’t blame some “deceased” attending their own funerals to be solemn and gloomy.

If this is a movie and I am the script writer, I would pen my own ending in a fairy tale like manner. Instead of dark clouds and gloomy skies, the day my funeral would be held would be bright and shiny with a nice breeze of wind. There will be birds chirping and those attending my funeral ought to be able to smell the freshness of the newly mowed lawn. As sand and dirt is being shoveled on top of my “new wooden bed” placed six feet underground, those attending my funeral need not be feeing sad. They should in fact be happy, knowing that I have led a fulfilling life. If anyone were to even look a wee bit solemn, I might just attempt to kick their ass or tickle them so that they will be laughing.

For those who have not yet realize that the only certainty in life is death, it is about time that we all wake up and acknowledge the fact that it is just a matter of time before we would have to bid farewell to this beautiful world. Having said that, we should also then start living life to the fullest and try to accomplish as much as possible on a daily basis. Personally, I have been constantly reminding myself of this and have set to live life to the fullest everyday. I want to appreciate all the good things that I encounter and show gratitude to those who made it possible. In contrary; when things are not going my way, I want to move on with life instead of whining and cringing. While I could be egoistic at times, I remind myself that a man on his death bed would have no time for ego and as such, I would want to learn from mistakes and be the first to apologize when I am in the wrong.

While it’s probably necessary to think with the head most of the time, I try to strike a balance by following my heart when it comes to certain things for I will probably end up not attempting many things if I were to rationalize and try to be logical over everything. Sometimes, we just need to unleash the “kid” in us and do things out of wants and desires rather than do what others would perceive to be right. I see nothing wrong in saying “no” to others if that is what I really have in my mind. I see nothing wrong in insisting on doing something even when everyone else is advising me against it. Afterall, it is my life and I do not want to be spending the rest of my living days wondering “what if” or to be asking myself “what could have been”. That would be real painful and I would probably end up dying a lot faster if I had to deal with the guilt of “what if” on a daily basis.

Nonetheless, one of the fundamental rules in living life to the fullest is stick to the path that we have chosen and to strive to put our best into what we have decided on. Nothing irritates me more than those who make a decision only to give up very quickly simply because that path was a bit too tough. One should never regret the path he has chosen and should only consider switching paths after exhausting all means. As the saying goes, “if we were to fall, let’s fall fighting!” Nothing in life is assured and as long as we put our best feet forward, there should be nothing to be ashamed of or to be afraid of even if we were to fail. In fact, I would personally be ashamed of myself if I were to be afraid to try something for the fear of falling or failing. If we were to attempt even the craziest thing, there is still a 1% probability of success vs not trying where it is a guaranteed 100% failure. This too is one of the values I try to uphold as I believe that we will never know if we did not ask and we would never know if we did not try.

Having gone around in circles, I would just draw back to the day of my funeral. If I were to attend my funeral, I would want to be sitting in a corner looking at all my loved ones bidding farewell to me for the last time. I would probably have a glass of whiskey in one hand and a cigar in the other while I smile to myself reflecting on the fulfilling life that I would have led. If I were to attend my own funeral, I would want to be the happiest person knowing that I have lived a life of no regrets and nothing left undone……

A Little Goes a Long Way

As I was clearing the mailbox, I flipped through the stack of letters and spotted one that was addressed to me. What caught my surprise was that the envelope had the Sin Chew Jit Poh stamp on it and I was already assuming it was another one of those mails that you would thrash immediately upon opening.

Nonetheless, I was in for a pleasant surprise this time around. Though the letter was written in Chinese, my lack of ability to read a single word was more than compensated by a picture of a small boy that came with the letter.

Flashback to a couple of months back, my parents asked if I was keen to “sponsor” an orphan’s education in China. This was an annual charity program organized by Sin Chew Jit Poh whereby Malaysians can support a full year’s education for an under-privileged kid in China by donating RM 400. Whilst RM 400 is no small change, the amount was not exorbitant either and the thought that it would provide a kid with decent education made it easy to say yes. I figured that if Bill Gates was willing to part with millions, I could at least give up a few rounds of drinks. Since then, I had forgotten about the incident until when I received the letter.

Apparently, the beneficiary is a 12 year old orphan whose only other sibling was a cancer victim. They’re both under the care of their 77 year old grandfather who’s probably struggling to make ends meet himself. Some other updates in the letter which was translated by my dad included the kid’s hobby and a simple note of thank from the kid for giving him the opportunity to pursue his studies. While I’m no “emo” freak, this did hit a soft spot and it was one of those “priceless” moments that could never be substituted by any Master Cards. In fact, it wiped out all the “shit” that I’ve had to deal with for the day and left me with a pleasant smile.

Drawing to this incident, glimpses of several instances whereby small deeds of kindness went a long way and meant a lot to the recipient started popping up in my mind. Well, I’ve been on both the giving end as well as the receiving end and I could very well recall how glad I was when a stranger in The Curve offered me RM 1 when I couldn’t find any small notes to pay for my parking. I can also clearly recall how touched I was when people were holding the lift for me as well as keeping doors opened when I was in crutches not too long ago. Till now, I can still recall the gratitude shown in the face of a blind man that I helped walk across the street and I still haven't found any words suitable enough to illustrate his gratitude. This simply shows that a simple act of kindness never fails to augur well and could light up the day of the recipient. In fact, it would leave a smile on the face of the recipient who would probably then do something similar to light up the day of others.

All these reminds me of the “Pay It Forward” movement whereby individuals are encouraged to do favors for another person without any expectation of being paid back. Inspired by a novel written in 2000 that was subsequently released as a Warner Bros movie, all that is expected from the recipient of the favor is to do the same for someone else – ideally three other people. More details and success stories are available on www.payitforwardfoundation.org or www.payitforwardmovement.org.

Without wanting to sound soppy or emotional, this serves as a simple reminder that we ought to be doing some simple yet nice deeds on a daily basis. I’ll be constantly reminding myself of this and am already of thinking what I can do to play my part. To start off with, I’ve already decided to “sponsor” 2 kids this year! Afterall, a little does go a long way.

The Countdown

In approximately 42 hours time, I would be lying in the surgery room; unconscious, not knowing what is happening and not being able to influence anything. The outcome would depend entirely on the orthopedic and whether I would get to walk again is all at his mercy.

Well …. Whether I would get to walk again might sound too exaggerated but prior to me signing the indemnity form, he did mention that there is a 1-2% probability that things might not turn out that well. When probed further on what he meant by that, my orthopedic highlighted that there is a slight possibility of infections which would call for prolonged care. Having thought about that for a millisecond, I figured that it couldn’t be that bad and proceeded to sign the indemnity form and followed up with the pre-admission procedures.

Afterall, how bad can “fixing a wrong be?” Having busted my knee in a football game about 2 and a half months back, walking was just not the same anymore. I could feel the strain in my knee each time I tried to take a bigger step and I could hardly bend my knees. Not to mention that my right knee had been swollen since that fateful day which so happened to be the day marking my 29 years of existence. Come to think of it, I should have taken up the offer to go for dinner and drinks instead of choosing to be running around a field, chasing for a ball with 21 other adrenaline-pumped males. I guess we all do make mistakes and the price I have to pay for my mistake is a torn meniscus and anterior cruciate ligament. These two torn ligaments were nice enough to bring along company and the freebie that was being thrown-in in my case were some blood clot around the knee. How nice… Buy 2, get 1 free!

I had been procrastinating on the need to go for treatment and had in fact conveniently forgotten about some medical appointments prior to this. Nonetheless, the temptation of wanting to start chasing after the ball again got the better of me and I had no other option but to have it fixed or risk not being able to run around on a field again. This was nicely summed up in a sentence explaining why some would choose to go for surgery as I was doing a search on Wikipedia to find out more about the procedures and possible complications.

"Surgical options may be used if the knee gives way during typical daily activities, showing functional instability, or if the patient is unable to refrain from participating in high-risk activities ever again." (Source: Wikipedia)

Now that I have set an appointment for the surgery as well as done pre-booking for the accommodation, I guess the only thing left to be done is to pack my trusted crutches that had served me well on more than one occasion. Perhaps, I should start practicing walking with 3 legs again since that’s probably what I would need to be doing over the next couple of weeks.

By noon on Wednesday, I would go through an arthroscopy procedure whereby I will have a small fiber-optic camera known as an endoscope inserted into my knee through an incision. I would also have some fluid being “pumped” into my knee through another incision. I was also informed that other miniature instruments would be inserted to perform the surgery and this is considering the fact that I had already gone through a magnetic resonance imaging procedure just a few days back. All these seems “Greek” to me and I’m sticking to my notion that the medical profession has funny ways to describe simple things which at times is a wee bit too much for someone with a low vocabulary like me. Having so many instruments shoved into my knee sounds real congested and it’ll probably be like Federal Highway during peak hours. Thankfully, I’ll be on anesthetics and in deep slumber when all these funny insertions via incisions are being done.

The countdown had started and I’m already looking forward to when I can start chasing after the ball again!

Fear

Fuck Everything And Run! Truth be told; that’s probably what’s in most individual’s thoughts when it comes to confronting fear. We hate to be reminded of it but we all do have fear for certain things. For the exception of a few rare ones who have confronted heads on with their innermost fears, most of us often choose to live in denial and brush aside the fact that we do have insecurities. Well… At least, that would be the case for me and I would like to belief that I’m a normal bloke and not queer.

In the song “Two Steps Behind”, Def Leppard reminded the whole world that “you can run but you can never hide from the shadow that’s hanging deep inside….” As freaky as it might seem, there’s a whole load of truth in that and what makes it even freakier is the fact that not a single bit of it seems surreal.

I don’t even know where to start if I had to list down all my fears but ‘acrophobia’ or simply known as the fear of heights would definitely rank way up there for me. As a kid, crossing pedestrian bridges was a nightmare for I always had this conception that the bridge would collapse when I’m crossing over. As I grew older and crossed more pedestrian bridges (by force, not by choice for the other option was to get rolled over by cars travelling at 80km/h), I started to realize that it wasn’t that bad afterall. Not having any bridges collapsed as yet while I’m crossing over does make it easier but that doesn’t change the fact that crossing pedestrian bridges had always been as extreme as it gets for me when it comes to height.

Now that I have started clearing my closet, this reminds me of the incident when I chose to be sneered by my friends rather than cross a suspension bridge while we were on vacation. Despite it having been so long ago, I still do get “shit” from my mates from time to time but I’ve somehow got acclimatized to that. In fact, I had started getting comfortable with it, knowing that they will always have something to laugh at when they’re trying to pick on me. Afterall, there are certain things in life that can never be changed and if we can’t or are not willing to do anything about it, the next best thing is to shut up and acknowledge defeat. The “fear” would differ for every individual and acrophobia was probably my biggest nemesis.

Nonetheless, I started seeing the light at the end of the tunnel recently when I was “convinced” to get onto a “Tower of Terror” ride in a theme park. For the clueless, the “Tower of Terror” is one of those rides where you are strapped onto a seat that rises like 150 feet high before it just drops in a matter of seconds. I had always wondered why people would want to put themselves through so much pain and queue up to get onto a ride where your heart gets disjointed from your body at the point of “the drop”. Well, that had always been my perception until after I’ve been on it myself and now that I can proudly claim that I’m one of those “extremists” who has tackled that ride, I don’t think I would have any reservations going onto another one of such rides again. Heck, I’m even thinking of going bungee jumping next!

Having gone on and on with a dull story, the point I’m getting to is that the best way to deal with fear is to confront it heads on. I’m sure we’ve heard of others mentioning this but there is always an apprehension to do so. As corny as it might sound, life is short and we should not live to regret anything or be left wondering “what if”. One of the things I value deeply is the need to live everyday as if it’s the last. The next time I cross a pedestrian bridge; I would probably stop in the middle, jump a couple of times and look over. If you happen to come across me doing it, just ignore me if it looks stupid. Better still, join me and let’s have a good time jumping together for I probably wouldn’t even care much about what you think. Deep down, I will most likely be gleaming with joy and pride for having the “balls” to jump on a pedestrian bridge instead of worrying about it collapsing.

“Fuck Everything And Run!” is now a thing of the past and the way forward now would be to “Face Everything And Respond!”

Déjà vu

A couple of months back, I wrote about sabbaticals in explaining my disappearance from penning any thoughts. Little did I expect that a few months on, I would again be trying to figure out a reason for my absence. History does repeat itself and this time; in more ways than one!

It was about the same time a year ago when I took a break from writing.
It was about the same time a year ago when I got to know that my immediate manager was leaving the company.
It was about the same time a year ago when I was negotiating hard to close a somewhat similar deal.
It was about the same time a year ago when I was reflecting on the path that lies ahead.
And when such similar things happen at such similar timings, it all seemed like a déjà vu.

I pretty much realized that the phrase “Lightning does not strike the same spot twice” is a fallacy but looking on the bright side, I also realized that one would know how to navigate better when the same issue resurfaces. Perseverance and a positive mindset does help make the same “shit” a whole lot more bearable and I stumbled upon a that in a book I read.

In his book Laughter, Joy & Healing, Donald E Demaray wrote about a young journalist who was receiving tough criticism from his father because he didn’t seem to be making much progress in his career. Undaunted, the young man wrote back to his father explaining that he had a plan for success upon which he focused. His intentions were as follows:

At 30, he would be a great newspaper reporter.
At 40, he would be a great editor.
At 50, he would be a great story writer.
At 60, he would be a great fiction writer.
At 70, he would be a great grand father.
At 80, he would be a great admirer of beautiful women.
At 90, he would be a great loss to the community.

The father had a good laugh from the letter and was gratified when he realized when he began to see that his son’s career was progressing along those lines.

In my case, the brutal Déjà vu has struck and the thought of having to go through the same vicious cycle again makes throwing in the towel seem like the best option. Afterall, the grass could really be greener on the other end. Nonetheless, I’m choosing to hang on with the belief that navigating vicious déjà vu’s is a lot easier when you go through the same maze for the second time. What makes this more ironic is the fact that my choice and belief by itself seem to be a déjà vu. Freaky!